Everything Changes
That theme is terrible.
Now that I’ve seen Gwen, I’m remembering how much I hate her boyfriend/husband/whatever.
Jack!
She’s holding a coffee, the dude, just asks if he can have it. “There’s no procedure any more, it’s a fucking disgrace.” Yeah, you’re right. Don’t take other people’s drinks.
Hahaha, Jack doesn’t know how to pronounce estrogen.
I’m watching a show with Susie in it, This Way Up. Watching it because of Aisling Bea. She’s great.
Ahh, there’s the terrible boyfriend/husband/whatever.
Gwen is weirdly hot in a white collared shirt and tie.
It was midday, why was there a bar fight at that time?
I bet her long hair down like that goes against her uniform code.
Hahaha! The spurting blood is great fun.
Why is that orderly wearing epaulettes?
She’s in a police car. Why isn’t she using her sirens.
Okay, in the episode of Confidential, that clip in the pizza place was longer, she ordered two “American feast” pizzas, large. I want to know what an American feast pizza is. Also, apparently Ianto calls down to Jack, this edit makes it seem like it’s his decision.
Forgot about the Pterodactyl.
That raising platform should have a safety rail.
Boyfriend, he’s a boyfriend.
Owen’s an asshole to use that spray. Though, the MMF threesome…
“Delete” doesn’t go under the “Edit” menu.
Jack, that’s a weird place to hangout.
Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill Jack. Oh, Susie. :( Don’t kill yourself.
“One day I’ll find a Doctor, the right sort of Doctor.” You mean Jodie Whitaker?
Day One
Why would you run towards a meteor and bring your boyfriend with you?
“You got enough kit?” This show is so British.
Oh Jack, sexually harassing your staff.
Dear Security, you let her in so she could bone other people. You didn’t get any.
Dude needs to work on his stamina. Well, I guess it’s too late. He dust.
Why is Owen assuming a alien?
Security shouldn’t have a camera in the washroom.
Ianto’s the best.
“You’ve travelled here because you feed of orgasmic energy.” That’s the best sum up of this episode, and it shows that the writers know how terrible this is.
Apparently she had to do a little experiment before realizing she was straight.
Naked Owen is great.
I forgot Jack has the Doctor’s hand!
That montage of sexual adverts and Carys walking down the street was just a show of horniness.
Oh poor girl, she choose a gay dude.
Apparently fucking Jack is the ultimate bang.
Oh, her dust is pink.
Declassified
No matter the job, don’t throw sharp shit on your first day.
I missed the “boobies fondled.”
Ghost Machine
Don’t press that button, Gwen.
Why would you assume a ghost, Gwen?
That was convenient that that guy just said her full name. But then again, I guess it was convenient that the kid had his name stapled to himself.
“Human emotion is energy.”
That is not an appropriate place to put your hand, Jack. She’s your employee.
I think Gwen jizzed in her pants while practising her gun use.
Why is everyone still taking tech home? That’s irresponsible.
What are they going to do to Bernie? They’re not cops.
Jack was answering his cell phone and I shouted, “hey Jack, eyes on the road.” He’s in the UK, hes in the passenger side.
I forgot Owen’s a doctor.
Cyberwoman
Oh, we get the saga sell now.
Poor Ianto.
I think Ianto is up to something naughty.
Did he just grab her metal tit?
She’s gone full Cyber.
She has high heeled cyber boots?
The dinosaur fight is ridiculous. And amazing.
Pizza girl is getting deleted.
This is so bad.
Small Worlds
I don’t remember this episode, whatsoever.
Jack doesn’t look like he’s having a nightmare, he looks like he’s enjoying himself.
Why is Jack taking Gwen to his old lover?
I understand why I didn’t remember this one, it wasn’t worth remembering. Unlike “Cyberwoman,” which is so bad it’s fun, this is just boring.
Countrycide
Why would Gwen ask who everyone’s last snog was if she doesn’t want people to know thata Owen sexually assaulted her.
Also, why are they trying to make Owen and Gwen a thing. It’s gross because Owen is rapey and gross.
Why would they pair the office manager and the computer nerd. As the computer nerd, I’d be useless in the field.
Oh no! The murderer is a shoe collector!
Jack’s a bad leader.
*Evil laugh* *Makeout with your evil partner*
Tosh is bad at her job.
Voiceover!
Ugh, I forgot Gwen and Owen fucked.
Greeks Bearing Gifts
The saga sell for Torchwood sucks. Quantum Leap did it much better.
Owen’s an asshole.
Tosh is really bad at her job.
Aww, Ianto is so sad. She should have hugged him.
Also, Tosh is so sad. And Mary’s just a pusher.
What the fuck is with that transphobic speech.
They Keep Killing Suzie
Okay, so let me get this straight… Suzie knew she was going to go on a killing spree, and they would resurrect her. She programmed the base so that they would capture the dude, and he would then start chanting Dickinson. That would then put the base on lockdown. Somehow she knew Gwen would break her out, just in time for the base to go on lockdown, and then she’d be able to go around.
Jack runs funny.
So your boss just killed a former employee and nearly had another employee nearly die, so you think this is the right time to propose some sex games with a stopwatch?
Random Shoes
Wow, that was one of the worst episodes of television I’ve seen in a long time.
It starts off with a dead person narrating their story, and he has to tell us statistics. “The speed of light is…” It was so hokey and ridiculous.
Why did the dad leave? They never address it, but they act like they did address it.
He literally got pulled up to heaven.
Out of Time
This might be the best episode of Torchwood. That’s not saying much. But this is a really great “what if” story of people out of time1. While Owen’s still a creepy asshole and makes the story bad, his girlfriend, who should have been a lesbian pilot, is fantastic. I love the other two time travellers, too. Dude finding his son as an old man with Alzheimer’s is tragic. The young girl wanting to go to London is great.
I’m also finding on this watch, I don’t hate Reese, he’s actually a decent dude with a terrible girlfriend.
I don’t love the ending, Lesbian pilot should not have flown off into the rift, if she was going to do that, she should have at least given her mates an opportunity to join her, they have nothing to live for in the 21st century.
Combat
Apparently Mickey the Idiot wrote this episode.
Ahhh, Weavel Fight Club. This is one of the worst episodes of Torchwood. Where to start? Owen is a whiney bitch and I just don’t care about his feelings. He knew the girl for one week2. I don’t care about the B story, and Gwen being a terrible girlfriend, and Reese being a shitty boyfriend. I remember why I hated Reese, his “don’t you fucking go” comment at the restaurant. Not cool, dude.
Gwen drugs Reese and tells him that she’s been sleeping with Owen.
Also, throughout this entire episode, they act as if Torchwood has been treating the Weavels with respect. It’s a lie. They keep them imprisoned.
So this guy (Owen) has admitted he’s suicidal, tried death by Weavel, so Ianto just puts him in the cell with the weavel?
Captain Jack Harkness
A “Vote Saxon” poster. The first mention of the Master.
Woo! Time travel!
Real Jack is nice.
Owen asks who put Ianto in charge, and that’s a good question. Shouldn’t Gwen be in charge?
Jack really likes Jack.
Are Ianto and Owen going to kiss? They shouldn’t. Owen sucks.
Aww Jack kissed Nancy goodbye.
Are there no servicemen who look at a building’s electrical in the 60 years between World War I and Torchwood?
Tosh, that’s how you get tetanus.
Of course all the Jack Harknesses are queer.
End of Days
Holy shit, that was as terrible as terrible can be. So creepy caretaker from the previous episode wants Torchwood to open the rift to the fullest. So he murders Reese and then everyone rebels against Jack and reopens. Owen murders Jack. Jack is an asshole who treats his employees like garbage. Reese has the worst girlfriend of all time. Owen is a terrible doctor and is bad at keeping the whole rift thing a secret. The writers don’t understand how a pandemic works (watching from 2021). There’s a giant Godzilla and the only way to stop it is to have Jack let the beast feed on him. Gwen brings him back with a kiss. “Thank you.” Oh my god it’s so bad.
Finally, the TARDIS shows up in Torchwood HQ and takes Jack away? WTF.